Letter to the Editor – Wall Street Journal

Sue Shellenbarger’s article ”Married Couples Urged to Disclose Attractions to Others”(October 27th 2006) is yet another example of mental health nonsense and irresponsibility, despite the fact what so-called ‘experts’ have to say.

Just picture this scene. A woman (or man) comes home and says,”I just want you to know how attracted I am to so and so and am thinking about having an affair. Could any one with any sense at all imagine that this announcement would bring about feelings of love, closeness, respect, understanding and gratitude for your partner’s openness and honesty?

With advice like this, no wonder our culture’s mental health continues to deteriorate. In the 35 years that I have been a practicing psychotherapist, specializing in the area of marital therapy, I have yet to witness even one such scenario. We all at differnt stages in our relationships and marriages are attracted to others. This is normal. We may even fantasize about what it would be like to have an extra-marital affair. However, rather than express hurtful, mean and self-indulgent feelings to our partner, I believe that it is up to the ‘fantasizer’ to have a serious conversation with him or herself, not only about the consequences of emoting, but worse yet, the reprecussions of actually acting-out and having an affair.

Just think about how your spouse and children will feel when they discover (and people always do) that their daddy or mommy or spouse is having an affair. Visualize the pain and hurt and aguish that these actions will cause. Or perhaps think about supporting two houses, not being home to put your children to sleep and paying alimony and child support. Or how about talking to your partner about spicing up your relationship! After all, it takes two to make or break a relationship. And if that doesn’t work, do your research and find yourself a competent marital therapist =
who can help put your marriage on track.