Letter-New York’s Antique Divorce Law (January 17th 2010)

The Myth About the Villain/Victim Marriage and Fault Divorce Legislation

It would be beneficial to divorcing couples and their families of New York State, if their State Legislature bothered to educate itself about why marriages fail. The reality is that there is rarely a victim and a villain in a marriage. Couples always consciously or unconsciously have a ‘deal’.

For example, who is more at ‘fault’? The man who has extra-marital affairs, or the wife that looks the other way? From a psychotherapeutic perspective, both are responsible for keeping the extra-marital affair deal going. So having legislation that perpetuates the myth, that one person is to blame for the problems and dissolution of a marriage completely misses the mark. This “fault’ legislation encourages heartache for all, especially the children.

The no-fault, win/win resolution, helps people to accept responsibility for their own role in why their marriages failed and move on . And more importantly, it puts a halt to the ‘he said’/she said’, ‘he did /she did’ dysfunctional pattern of behavior, which contributed to the divorce in the first place.