Is Your Marriage Counseling Helping or Harming?

Credible and Possible

Most of us would rather read a good mystery or thriller instead of a research study. So, let me report the latest verdict on the state of marriage counseling. According to the latest studies it is a complete waste of time, money and energy! Yet, based on my professional experience over the past 35 years my own statistics differ greatly from the research findings. Various studies found that “25% of couples were worse off than they were when they started and that after four years, up to 38% are divorced.” In my own practice there have been only 20 divorces in thirty five years. You’re thinking “that’s unbelievable and impossible and furthermore, how can that be, Beatty!” But I know different and so do the couples who have successfully worked through their problems. Young couples as well as couples who have been married for over 50 years have had positive marital therapy experiences with me because of 3 primary factors:

1. My own positive attitude toward marriage: after all, mine works (after plenty of sweat, and tears), so why can’t yours?
2. My belief that people can change and work out virtually any problem if they WANT to and with the right coaching. People need to be reminded that just because a marriage counselor hangs up his/her shingle does not necessarily mean that he/she has the talent and skill to help couples to repair their broken hearts and marriages.
3. My unique methodology. I learned as a former tennis champion that regardless of the score or one’s “ranking” (hah! That’s what they think!), that it is possible, (never mind the odds) to make a comeback. I also learned during my competitive years, which includes last week, that analyzing and understanding the real underlying problem(s) and doing whatever needs to be done to fix it, yields positive results.

Cliffhangers All

Couples who seek me out are always in a state of crisis and turmoil. I view the crisis in a positive light, because experience has taught me that individuals, families or couples will usually not seek help for their problems until they are on the edge of the cliff and ready to jump for the divorce. Approximately 90% of the couples that I work with are there because of an extra-marital affair. Other typical complaints include: sexual problems, substance abuse and domestic violence. Interestingly, it is usually the man who makes the initial call. I always explain my methodology to the people before they arrive at my office. I want them to know what to expect. And I want them to know beforehand what I expect from them. After all, we need to meld together into a viable working team.

The Method to the Madness

My first session with the couple can last from one to seven hours, depending on the couple’s resources and time availability. I have discovered that longer sessions dramatically shorten the overall amount of time that couples are in counseling. I know that Freud and many contemporary therapists believe in the 50- minute hour. To me, this has never made any sense at all. Naturally, we discuss the “presenting problem” in –depth at the beginning of the session. And after finding out whether the couple is willing to “try” to work things out, I take them back to the beginning of their relationship when times were good. This is very important because many years have usually gone by since the couple actually experienced the good and happy times when love was new and exciting. When did you meet? Where did you meet? Who made the “first move”? How long did you wait before having sex? Who wanted to get married? Tell me about your honeymoon. Did you give up scrambled eggs for over easy so you could both eat at the same time? These questions almost always bring a smile to their faces despite the current crisis. I want the couple to remember that there were times when their marriage was satisfying when they were in love. I want them to reminisce about their early years. This helps them to realize that their marriage was not always in a state of turmoil. It also makes them wonder and maybe even hope that their marriage can survive their current crisis. I question them about every aspect of their life in the beginning of their marriage so that we can all understand “what went wrong”. Was it the birth of a baby where dad felt neglected and mom felt overwhelmed that was the beginning of the downhill plunge? Or did finances, in-laws, jobs, sex, values, differing child rearing practices, cause the couples to distance and disconnect? Or perhaps substance abuse, psychiatric problems or physical problems began to play havoc with the couple? And although we cannot go back and change history, understanding “what went wrong” is the beginning of the couple’s reparation.

To Each His Own

Next, I see the individuals alone. After all we have two individuals, each with their own histories, strengths and problems. It is vital to know who these people are before beginning the couple counseling. Therapists need to do thorough individual assessments to rule out any and all “significant” individual issues. In that step lies the crux of the matter of success and failure when it comes to marriage counseling. Individual issues such as depression or other individual psychiatric problems, early child sexual abuse, substance abuse and eating disorders among others that interfere with the ‘individual’s’ functioning as well as the marriage must be dealt with first. It is simply not possible to deal with her depression and history of sexual abuse, his volatile temper and alcohol problem, their differing parenting styles and their sexual problems all at the same time. Then we move on to couple therapy which is the ‘graduation’ phase; when both individual issues are mostly resolved. Then and only then can we begin to acknowledge, address and resolve the “we” problems. This methodology has proven to be so successful that couples are able to delay dealing with their acute marital issues, knowing that their marriage counseling will have a greater chance of success with this formula.

The Joys of Win/Win

Once the marital therapy begins and we all understand ‘what went wrong’, each person writes down all of the issues that have caused problems in the marriage that need to be discussed. We address one issue at a time. And, we do not move on to the next until the couple is able to constructively discuss each problem and come up with a reasonable ‘win/win’ resolution. I remind them that the object is not for one partner to win, while the other loses. They learn about compromise and trade-offs. My role is teacher, listener, mediator, cheerleader and reality check. We are all members of the same team, striving for the same end. The sessions are usually very difficult and draining, since the couples have rarely if ever talked about their real problems. The hurts, disappointments, fears, rejection, loneliness, guilt, anger, sadness are all feelings that I help them to express in a constructive and authentic way. I teach them that conflict resolution is a skill like tennis or golf and I am their coach. I encourage them to make dates for discussions and not wait weeks or years until another explosion occurs. I also teach them ‘how to say it’, ‘where to say it’, ‘when to say it’ and ‘if to say it’ “well”(“well”, being the key to a positive response). I also provide them with information and education about sex, child rearing and any other issues that arise. I have a team of experts that I refer to when indicated. I seek out the “best of the best” and never refer anyone to someone that I do not know and respect, be it a dentist, lawyer, doctor or psychiatrist.

Is this process perfect? No. There are ups and downs, sideways and seeming dead ends all of which require skillful navigation. I always suggest “check-ups” after the therapy is completed. I even have couples that request an annual “couple” check-up. After all, since most of us routinely check our oil, tires and landscaping, why not keep a closer watch on our relationship to ensure a loving and healthy marriage.