Mending a broken heart!! There is- LIFE AFTER DIVORCE

Dear Beatty

I am a woman in my 40′s. I have been divorced for almost a year. Although my husband was verbally and physically abusive to me and our children and had numerous affairs during our marriage, I still love him. You probably think I’m crazy, but I miss him so much and would give anything to get him back. I’m having trouble sleeping and have no appetite or energy. All I want to do is sleep and watch videos. I can barely take care of my children. I cry all the time and I feel like my heart is broken. What’s wrong with me?

Annie

Dear Annie,

You’re not crazy . You’re in pain. And you’re mourning the loss of your happily ever after dream and fantasy that we all have when we get married.
Going through a divorce (even though you said that your marriage was very abusive) is extremely traumatic. After all, it’s the end of your hopes and dreams of spending the rest of your life with someone whom you once loved (and apparently still do).

Most people during and after a divorce find themselves on an emotional roller coaster ride. And like a death, people tend to go through various stages including shock, depression, denial, anger, blame, why me and finally acceptance. Unfortunately, there are no short cuts. The symptoms you are describing are normal reactions to a very traumatic situation. However, since you say that you have been feeling like this for at least one year, I would suggest that you immediately seek professional help, since it sound like you are clinically depressed. And by the way, the treatment of choice for true clinical depression is counseling and medication. And I would also have a thorough check-up, since your body too has been under a lot of stress.

Your children need you and it is very important that you do not let yourself go. Initially, you may need to force yourself to take a walk, go to a gym, read an interesting book or magazine or plan an outing with friends, even though this may not be something that you really want to do. However, getting out is important and you do need a change of scene. This is a time to really take care of yourself. I suggest that you try and do something nice for yourself every day- something that you can look forward to. You need regular sleep, exercise and good nutrition. If you continue to suffer from insomnia, I would suggest that you try a natural remedy like melatonin and if this doesn’t help, I would speak to your doctor about other short-term options.

Also, it sounds as if you do need someone to talk to about your feelings. Keeping your emotions pent-up is very unhealthy and extremely taxing emotionally and physically. Remember that you are still in a state of mourning and you may find that talking to friends and family may not be sufficient. So I would recommend that you ask your doctor or someone that you trust for a referral to a good therapist who can help you deal with your loss, but who can also support you in ‘starting over’. Eventually, you will need to understand what really went wrong in your marriage. It is very easy to blame our partners. But those of us who have been through divorce need to take responsibility for our own part and take an honest look at the role that we played and how we contributed to the demise of our marriages.

You mention that your ex was physically and verbally abusive to you and your children. My question to you is: why would you want to be married to someone like this who hurt you continually and and betrayed you? Was this the way your father treated your mother? This is an ‘Annie’ issue that you need to figure out, so that you will not repeat this destructive and self-destructive pattern in your next relationship.
What I would not do is drown your sorrows with alcohol, drugs or excesses of any kind. You must expect that you are still going to have some difficult days. This is normal. There is no quick fix.

The good news however, is that there is life after divorce. And you should not give up hope (as many people do) that you will be alone for the rest of your life. However, this is not the time for a new relationship. It really does take a year or two to sufficiently go through your mourning process so that you will be emotionally, physically and sexually available and ready for a new beginning. Rebound relationships are usually disasters. Now is the time to focus on yourself. Nurture yourself. and I promise you that with time, your broken heart will heal.

All the best,
BEATTY