IT’S NEVER TOO LATE TO FIND THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE!

By the age of 50, most people expect that they‟ll finally be kicking back a bit and enjoying the fruits of their labors, ideally, with someone they plan to grow old and grey with.

But whether divorce or widowhood has thrown a wrench in that reverie, or you‟ve just never found your special someone, many 50somethings do find themselves single and frequently not at all happy about the idea of living their life without a special „someone‟.

While it‟s easy to feel like a fish out of water surrounded by blissful couples, don‟t worry — there are plenty of people just like you who are hoping to find “The One.” In my experience as a psychotherapist for the past 35 years, I have helped thousands of men and women of all ages jump into the dating game (not to mention, enjoy it immensely!). Here‟s my advice:

REMEMBER WHY YOU’RE A CATCH

Singles can be pretty hard on themselves, especially as they get older. If you‟re feeling a little low, it can help to get back in touch with what‟s brag-worthy about you. Write down three things you have every right to feel good about, whether that‟s your killer wit, incredible cooking skills, or the fact that you can still beat your nephew at tennis.

Next, pick one thing you’d like to improve.

Maybe it‟s time to commit to dropping ten pounds or to treat yourself to a shopping spree to spruce up your wardrobe. Giving yourself a goal to strive for can do wonders for your attitude. Harry, divorced at 57, told me this story: “I always wanted to be a good dancer. My ex complained that I wasn‟t a strong enough leader and for once, she was right, he admitted. So I‟ve been taking lessons and I‟m getting really good. I feel that it‟s a new day and that anything is possible.”

Remember, it‟s never too late to learn something new — in fact, it‟s what keeps us feeling young and vital.

PUT THE WORD OUT THAT YOU’RE ‘LOOKING‘

One reason many 50somethings‟ phones aren‟t ringing is because, well, no one knows you want it to! So for starters, quit assuming your friends, family and colleagues are aware that you‟re looking for setups and just tell them. Don‟t be shy, everyone loves playing matchmaker.

Know where to mingle.

There are plenty of places to keep your eyes peeled — and I‟m not talking about the bar scene or nightclubs packed with 20somethings. Lectures, workshops, political fund raisers, book signings and courses are teeming with prospects. And don‟t hesitate to say hello to that attractive man at the food market or in the line at the bank. I met my husband in an elevator in Chicago. The possibilities are endless.

If you‟re hesitant to go alone, take along a friend who can provide moral support — and who will encourage you to talk to someone who catches your eye. Your partner in crime needn‟t be single; married people are often very competent wingmen or wing women since there‟s nothing at stake for them. They are totally focused on finding you your best match.

Do speak up

Always be open to meeting someone as you go through your day. The person standing next to you at the post office, at a museum, or while buying a bagel with cream cheese could be right for you.

If you‟re on the bashful side, think of it this way: The worst they can say is no. At best, you may be pleasantly surprised. Case in point: John, 62, is dating a woman he met at the dry-cleaner. “I was reluctant to approach her for fear of sounding foolish. After all, I haven‟t dated anyone other than my ex for over 30 years,” he says. “But I took the chance and asked her, out and now I think that she may be The One.”

Just comment on whatever is going on around you, whether that‟s a comment like, “Gee, I‟m not used to seeing this many people here. What about you?”

Wear something age-appropriate but alluring.

One dating hurdle I‟ve heard again and again is this: “I don‟t have a clue anymore what to wear.” Many singles in their 50s often feel like they‟re stuck between dressing too young — or old — for their age. “I don‟t want to look like my teenage son,” says Paul, 56. “But on the other hand, I want to look current.”
The bottom line is being comfortable in what you wear is essential. But “comfortable” does not mean it‟s got an elastic waistband or has been hanging in your closet since the ‟80s. Being comfortable means feeling good — even a little jazzed or sexy — when you look in the mirror.

If you‟re headed out to an event where you might meet someone and your clothes aren‟t giving you that little lift, it‟s time to go shopping, ideally with a fashion forward friend who can offer a second opinion.
Kids and grandkids, while they might mean well, aren‟t always the best option since they might not understand your sensibilities; better to go with a friend your own age whose taste you trust and who always looks polished.

You can also find a way to adapt current styles to suit your taste so you look stylish without feeling silly. Shopping for a new wardrobe needn‟t be expensive. Explore high-end consignment stores. You‟ll be amazed at what you can find!

Keep your date conversation on a positive note.

Everyone, especially at this point in their lives, has some romantic baggage in their closet, and it can be tempting to share your war stories while on a first date.

Resist the urge. Even if your ex-spouse cheated on you or your last blind date was a total bomb, saying so on a first date can be a real turn-off. “My last four dates, said Harold, talked about their exes and how rotten they were,” he recalls. “I tried to make jokes about my ex and was met with stony silence from all of them. Don‟t they know what a turn-off all that negativity is?”

Learn to listen — and be flexible.

Many singles, if they‟re rusty on the dating front, or maybe a little nervous, often try too hard to make a great first impression. They blab on and on about what they do, their past, and what qualities they find important in a life-long mate … and leave the other person no room to fit a word in edgewise. It‟s a complaint I hear especially often from women. All he talked about was himself, his work, his investments and his antique cars. When he finally got around to asking me about myself, he stopped listening after five minutes.

So, the message to all singles is this:

Quit worrying about what they‟re thinking about you and ask yourself what you want to know about them? Stuart, a 63-year-old widower has two questions that have worked wonders for him: “What do you like to do for fun?” and “How do you feel about (fill in the blank)?” Dating is not a race to reveal all. If you like each other, there will be plenty of time to delve further.
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Beatty Cohan is a nationally recognized psychotherapist, co-author with her husband Elliot of “For Better, For Worse, Forever: Discover the Path to Lasting Love”, (Chandler House Press, 1999, 3rd. ed. 2008) newspaper columnist and national television expert guest.
Website: ASKBEATTY.com
Beatty1948@verizon.net
941-955-6116